Life at a standstill

They say that the transition of teen to adulthood is the phase of chances and adventure. An exploration to know the self and see more of the society but for someone like me, instead of knowing myself more, confusion became a friend that introduced me to a stranger that I frequently see in front of the mirror. My life seems to be at a standstill.

Am I the only one who feels like my life is getting nowhere? Like I am stuck at this crossroad and I don’t know which road should I take? Or if I should take one at all.

Everyone else seems to have their goal in mind and a dream to achieve. Those who are certain what they want to do and where they want to go and you’re just there, asking yourself, short, but quite hard to answer questions, like, why? How? What? When? And the most important one, who?

Why, why am I doing this?

How, how will I get by today?

What, what will I do next?

When, when did I start feeling this way?

And who, who am I?

Sure enough, I can tell you my name but I am not even sure if I can call myself my own because the collective representation of what I am, doesn’t seem to be me.

I wasn’t good at anything, wasn’t as pretty, wasn’t as talented. Like a cosmic speck of dust hunting for life in the unknown. Can’t I just put myself in autopilot?

I know to myself that I want to be a writer but it sucks to know that I am not good enough to be one. That it doesn’t mean I want to, doesn’t mean it’s meant for me but it doesn’t also mean that it’s not for me, I’ll stop doing it.

“Am I ever going to feel like myself again?”

It feels hard when the monster you want to fight is embedded in your own skin and laugh in your own voice. When you feel detached to everything and can’t find any connection to anyone even to those you hold dear.

The added pressure from your family doesn’t help. The way how they seem to know your life better than you. How they know which path you should take, like your life has already been mapped out according to their will. I hate the idea that at 20, after graduation, you should have your life figured out, you should stand on your feet and do what an ‘adult’ is supposed to do. (And I just stood there, wondering what that maybe.)

Watching other people, I envy the courage they have for fulfilling their goals, for their decisiveness but looking up close, it doesn’t seem like it, but at some point, we are all at a standstill. Some just don’t like to show it, some look beyond it, some choose to ignore it and some just choose to move forward. Everyone had it differently, every day. Some just handle it better than others and some feel it deeper than the others but it doesn’t mean other people are invulnerable to pain.

I am in my early twenties and I don’t know if I’m taking the right path but one thing is for sure, whether you take the right or the wrong path, it’s still a path.

Take detours, make a turn, and go back around. It’s okay to be lost. Be lost. Meet new people. Go astray. See the world. Be off course. Make mistakes. Lose track of time. Start anew. Laugh more, love more, & live more. Go adrift and go places, until no one could tell you what’s wrong and right for you.

Sometimes I wonder if the light would shine and I would actually look forward to it, that the person I portray on day is the same Joy I’ll be when I am alone and vulnerable at night. I don’t know about it, but all what’s left is to hope.

And to the days that will come, I hope.